My Bucket List:

So I was glad to hear that I am not going crazy and there really is something wrong with me.

I saw my family doctor last Friday about my right eye. It is super blurry and painful to move it. I guess my eye wasn't dialting right and she sent me right down to the E.R. But I was sent to a crapy E.R. and they did two lame tests to check for scratches, even when I told them that I didn't scratch my eye and it was not red, and also they checked the pressure, which seemed to be normal, then I was sent home with a vicodine perscription and told to see an opthamologist. I called my insurance to find an eye doctor and they told me, basically, that I wasn't covered unless I had diabetes, glaucoma, cateracts, or if I had a special note from my doctor (apparently a note from the E.R. isn't good enough). I called the opthamologist just to see if I could afford to pay cash for a visit just to rule out any big problems and turns out that I cant afford it ($220 just to make an appt, then more for any tests). So I was pretty frustrated with the whole thing and decided to just wait a few more days and see if it goes away on its own, at least I had a vicodine perscription if I needed it. Clark kept telling me not to give up, so Monday I was at Wal-Mart (I love Wal-Mart) and saw that they had a coupon to see their optometrist for only $35. I made an appointment for the next day when the doctor would be back. If nothing else I would just get a new glasses perscription to compensate for my bad eye. At my appointment I did the basic 'look into the light' test then the doc came to talk to me and get a better look into my eye. At first he said that my astigmatism has gotten 3x worse probably due to having a baby, then he looked inside my eye and started freaking out. He was saying that my optic nerve is pushed forward but he doesn't know why. Then he started asking me if I have been loosing my balance, speaking differently, or blurting random things. I said no then he left the room. He came back in a panic and said I should go to the E.R. After I told him about my last few days he called some more people, including my family doctor, who was already closed for the day. He told me to call another doctor right away who would see me today and send a refurral to this eye center in Mesa. My insurance was retarded and despite the urgency from my doctor they told me I would just have to wait a few days for an authorization number. They said there was nothing else I could do so I decided to wait. Later the next day the optometrist called me to follow up and I told them about the lame insurance deal and she told me that I could not wait and I needed to go to the E.R. right away. I kinda started to panic at this point because I was guessing the worst (a brain tumor) because the doctors were so urgent about it. I called my wonderful, always-there-for-me mother and she took my kids while I went to the E.R. I was pretty surprised at how quickly I was called in because the place was packed, which scared me a little more. They preped me for an M.R.I. and found a lesion/mass behind my optic nerve in the lining about the size of a large pea. Then they told me I needed a steroid treatment that would take three days, so I was moved upstairs and settled in. Lots of tests and three days later there is still no sure diagnosis, but this is what they tell me: I definately have optic neuritis (an auto-immune disorder) which could mean a few things. I could just have optic nuritis and that will clear up on its own and that's all it would ever be with no other effects, or optic neuritis could be an effect of M.S. (a lifetime problem), or I could have a tumor, which would need to be removed by cranial surgery. The streoids have brought my sight back up to about 90%, but I still have pain and odd color perception. The spinal tap on Monday will give a better diagnosis of M.S. (but it will take about a week for results) and I will see the opthamologist on Thurday. The neurosurgeon wants another MRI in four weeks to check the mass and I guess we should know more by that time, unless my symptoms dont improve or if they worsen before that time. So I am finishing my steroids here at home and hoping for the best. I would be happiest to hear that it was just the neuritis and nothing else, if not I think I would rather have a tumor that could be removed, despite a crazy scary operation. I would be most sad, I think, to have M.S. because of all the problems it could cause.



So now starts a bucket list:

I will express more love

I will pray harder

I will forgive all

I will serve more often

I will cherish everything about my little children

I will be more alive in every day

I will let the little things go

I will take better care of myself



Of couse I am kidding when I say 'bucket list' because I plan on sticking around for a long time. But I now feel more dedicated to being a better person and growing stronger in my faith. You never know what tomorrow holds...



I was able to see my kids out in the parking lot of the hospital yesterday and it lifted my spirits to the sky!!